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Warm kisses from Chandrika! I hope you all had a chance to read the previous parts. Enjoy this episode. By the way, forgive me for repeating. This is an honest and true story in every sense.
Now that all issues and misunderstandings were presumably settled, Karthik and I got on with our lives. We were mature enough to understand that we wanted to pursue larger goals in life than continue to ponder over our unfortunate run-in. But I must admit a lot had changed.
Karthik was suddenly very formal with me, as if he was giving me the respect of being a lady. He was making every effort to show that he was unaffected by the incident and maintain a boundary between us.
On the other hand, I felt like a lady who wanted to proclaim her love for Karthik. But she was forced to suppress her desires. I don’t know if it was love, but I craved for his company, whatever it was.
Somewhere Karthik too had accepted the idea that there will always be a Chandrika between the two of us. A triangle of sorts where Karthik wanted his old friend Ashish back. Chandrika wanted Karthik desperately, while Aashish wanted to be Chandrika just for Karthik. Confusing as hell, I say.
Our relationship had attained a fair degree of normalcy. Although he remained formal with me, Karthik had eased up and was more open in his conversations. The pressures of academic performance had eased a fair bit. All we needed to do was to remain focused on the next steps.
Our incident slowly turned into a distant memory and was only referenced as a joke. While all this was happening, I was still extremely active. I had acquired a new lease of life and energy to seek out prospective companions.
But somewhere in the back of my head, Karthik refused to leave my heart and mind. I was desperate to know if Karthik wanted to share his state of mind. Did he have anything for me in his heart?
I was still at a loss to understand why Karthik thought I was attracted to him. Why had he felt as if he had been taken advantage of? I was hoping against hope and betting on the impossible.
On a Sunday, when my parents were home, Karthik came home with his books. He walked into my bedroom, which was also my study room. We were talking in general, and Karthik suddenly dropped Chandrika’s name.
I don’t remember the exact conversation. But it implied something like, “Probably I should check with Chandrika.” Karthik had not mentioned her in over 10 months and now bringing her in was a total surprise. I wondered if Karthik wanted me to start a conversation around Chandrika.
To me, this was extremely encouraging. I remember I had responded something like, “Chandrika had excellent taste in men. Why don’t you ask her?” I had made a move and dropped a bait, praying that he would take it.
“How can I ask Chandrika? She is not here,” he said
“Why don’t you ask her when you meet her?” I responded
“How can I meet her?” he asked
That was the clue I had been waiting for, and I knew he wanted to see me as Chandrika.
“Why don’t you ask her to meet you,” I said
“Ok, can I meet Chandrika,” he said
“Do you want to meet Chandrika?” I asked
“YES!” he said
I had him at last! It was nothing but that I got him to accept me as Chandrika and express a desire to meet me as Chandrika. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity go.
“I hope you won’t take offense to me being Chandrika,” I asked
“No, I won’t,” he said
“You can meet Chandrika tomorrow if that’s ok,” I told him
“Yes, tomorrow is ok,” he said
He said Yes, and he immediately left my room. It was a silent admission of his acceptance of me as Chandrika and a desire to know her. He was too shy to look me in the eye and continue talking, so he left.
I, on the other hand, was over the moon. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Tomorrow was going to be the first informal date between Karthik and me.
As the day dawned, I was filled with happiness, doubts and expectations of what was to come. My parents had left for Tarapur the evening before. So I prepared for the big day. I shaved my boyish face and the odd hair growth on my chest.
I returned from college by 1 PM and got down to dressing up. In my excitement, I skipped lunch and started to play the dating scene in my head. I picked up a nice Pink Bengali cotton saree to wear and nailed it to perfection. I wore a pink dupatta like an Amrapali blouse to pair with the saree.
I thought I looked stunning. I knew it would be any moment now that Karthik would knock on the door. I quickly sprayed some perfume over me to feel as feminine as possible, hoping that the fragrance would soothe him. A red bindi on the forehead, and Chandrika was ready for her man.
I kept telling myself that this was my only chance to get Karthik to accept me as Chandrika. I should be the lady in the room proclaiming her love. A knock on the door got my heart racing. I could feel a distinct dryness in my mouth. My lips had gone dry. A quick glass of water and I slowly started to settle
The second knock and I knew it was now or never. I walked up to the door, confirmed it was Karthik, and then opened it for him. As soon as he entered, I shut the door behind him and latched it up from the inside.
Karthik was equally nervous, and I could see him sweating a bit. It was as if he had forgotten the lay of my place and was searching for a place to sit. He was lost. I held his hand and got him into the living room. As soon as he sat on the sofa, I offered him some water.
I was sparing no effort, and I decided to sit right next to him so that his body would touch mine if he even so much as moved his hands. I decided to take charge
“Karthik, I need you to remember this. You must address me as Chandrika only, is that ok” I said
“Yes, I will,” he said
“Please don’t be nervous because I am nervous too,” I said. “We need to have an open talk, and being nervous won’t help.”
“yes, I want to discuss about us,” he said
“US!?” I exclaimed
“Yes us, I want you to tell me everything from the beginning and why you were attracted to me?” he asked
“I had told you about Chandrika before and how I came to be. You know that I prefer to consider myself as a woman in a relationship,” I said. “Please understand, I have feelings for men and women too. But I love the thought of being a woman.”
“And as regards the US, there was NO US!” I emphasized, “There WAS no us until you brought the point up of me being attracted to you. You lead me to think that maybe there was something between us.”
“So we are clear, nothing is going on between us?” he asked
“Yes, I repeat, nothing WAS going on,” I said
“What do you mean ‘was’?” he asked
“That’s because had you not brought it up, I would never have thought about it. When you raised it, I felt you had something going on in your head and were expecting me to express it for you” I put that across quite sternly
“Today, when you want to meet Chandrika, I feel you want to tell me something that’s been on your mind for a while. You have been hiding those thoughts. Why don’t you tell me why you felt that I was attracted to you?”
There was absolute silence in the room. I had made my point.
“Karthik, if you don’t like me as Chandrika, then please say so,” I said
“No, Chandrika, it is not like that. You are a great friend, and this sudden transformation is something I can’t fathom,” he explained. “I am confused. I don’t know how to react. I need more time to come to terms with this”
“I understand,” I said. “So, are you Ok with me being Chandrika?” I asked
“Yes, I am, and truth be told, you are very beautiful. Any man in his good senses will accept you as a woman,” he remarked
“Wow, that’s a compliment and thank you,” I said. “Are you hitting on me now?” I joked
We shared a hearty laugh, our secrets and our dark desires too. It was the most open-minded conversation between a man and ‘woman.’ I opened up completely to him. My experiments with crossdressing, Rekha, Roopa, Shashi, Kabir etc. We developed a different kind of respect for each other.
And just as Karthik was about to leave, he hugged me in a tight embrace. That was unexpected and out of the blue. I did not know what to do. Should I put my arms around him, or should I not? I mustered up the courage to embrace him too.
This embrace was not like the usual quick hug and off-types but unusually longer and tighter. I could feel Karthik’s fingers as he was running them on my bareback. He was sensuously exploring my body through his fingers.
That it was sexual was confirmed when his hands went all the way down to my buttocks stayed there for a few seconds. After a soft squeeze, it went back up again to my shoulders.
As we came off the embrace, we looked straight into each other’s eyes. It was evident, and we both realized that the embrace had sexual overtones. Something had changed. We had just taken our relationship to a new level. It was a silent admission on Karthik’s part that he was attracted to me.
He wanted more from me, and I developed an emotional connection and a sexual crush for Karthik. Not a word was said, but our hearts and minds had already accepted each other.
Following our informal but successful first date, I had decided that Chandrika afternoons should not be a planned or formal event. Just have a Chandrika afternoon anytime you feel like it.
I had made it my motto to get Karthik to accept me as his love interest and get him to be demonstrative about it. We both knew exactly what we wanted, but somebody had to take the plunge first.
Karthik would come over in the afternoon and find Chandrika at home many times. I wanted Karthik to get accustomed to Chandrika as being any normal woman.
I knew my strategy was working because now he would always address me as Chandrika. He gave me the feeling and assurance that he knew I was a woman inside.
7th October 1988 was a watershed moment in my life. A day that I can never forget. My parents had informed me that they wouldn’t be coming over that weekend. It was exam time at Mom’s school. Karthik had made plans to go out with his friends to watch a movie.
That only meant that I wouldn’t have anybody disturbing me the whole day or night. I hadn’t dressed up in a kashta for a while. So I decided that I should pay tribute to Rekha that night. After some elaborate preparation, I dressed myself up in a kashta and Amrapali blouse to liven the night.
It was around 9 PM, and I heard a knock on the door.
“God! is it Maniamma? But she wasn’t going to come tonight,” I asked myself
I stepped slowly towards the living room. Luckily for me, I had switched off the tube light earlier. That way, I could see through the peephole without the visitor knowing I was inside. I glanced through the peephole, and it was Karthik at the door.
I had never presented myself in a kashta to Karthik ever in the past, and so I wasn’t sure if I should open the door or go and change into something soberer. But he knocked again, and I just decided to open the door for him anyway.
He walked right in and then slowly shut the door behind him without a sound. The living room lights were off, so he had not seen what I had worn. Karthik was a regular at my place and knew all the switches on the board. He went straight for the night lamp, and that changed everything
Karthik saw me in a Red Amrapali costume. The red bindi only amplified the oomph quotient. He was visibly stunned and speechless. I could see his jaw drop.
“What are you doing here? Weren’t you going out with your friends” I asked
No response as if the phone line had gone dead
“Karthik?” I called out, and no response again
It was as if he had switched off completely. He couldn’t hear a word of what I asked. He just stood there looking at me and my body.
“KARTHIK!” I raised my voice and shook him up.
“Yeah,” said Karthik, still trying to regain his senses
“How come you are here? Weren’t you supposed to be out with your friends?” I asked
“Yes, that was the plan, but we dropped the movie and went out for coffee instead. My friends had other commitments and so decided to leave early,” he said
“Ok. So did you have dinner?” I asked
“No, I haven’t gone home yet,” he said
“So Mom doesn’t know you are back?” I asked
“No, she doesn’t know. I came here straight,” he said
“His Mom doesn’t know are he doesn’t want his Mom to know!?” I thought
“Why come here at this time? You don’t normally come here on a Friday night. Is it because you knew my Mom and Dad are not coming home this week?” I asked him with a wicked smile.
“You haven’t gone home or informed your parents that you are back. What’s up, Karthik? Have you been drinking something other than coffee? OR is it something else?”
I was sure he would struggle to respond, which he did. But Karthik was a simple, smart guy.
“Chandrika, do you love me?” he asked
BHAM! That question took me by surprise. But at the same time, it looked like a juicy full toss ready to be hit out of the park. I said to myself that if I didn’t take the plunge this time, it would be over even before it started.
“Yes, I do!” I replied without wasting a single breath
Karthik was shaken up a bit. He started to walk back to the door. This time I wasn’t letting him go without him knowing the truth. I held him back by standing right in front of the door. I probably gave ‘the speech’ of my life. I don’t remember the exact sequence, but below is a good summary.
“How dare you walk off like this? Are you going to disappear again just because I spoke the truth? I have been honest and forthcoming always. On the other hand, you are looking to avoid talking about it. It wasn’t me who was attracted to you, but it was you.”
“You put that idea in my head, and it has been there ever since. Never till date have I told you this. Never have I made any inappropriate advances towards you. That’s because we agreed to respect our boundaries. I accept that I love you, and honestly, I don’t know how it feels to be in love.”
“I like having you around me, and I miss you a lot when you are not around. I feel very safe and wanted when I am with you. You truly make me feel like a woman, and I enjoy that. And if this is what love is, then I am in love with you. And since we are talking about this, I will also admit that I have had you in my sexual fantasies only after you accused me of being attracted to you.”
“Will you speak up now, or do you want to leave?” I asked
“Do you know why I came here straight and did not go home?” he asked. “Yes, I know your parents are not coming this week. That is also why I left my friends’ company to be here with you. I can meet my friends any day, but I thought today was just right to have a heart-to-heart talk with you. When I came here, I wasn’t expecting to see you dressed. And what you are wearing now is making it impossible for me to focus on anything else but your body.”
“Yes, I am in love with you, Chandrika. I have always been since the day I saw you dressed the first time,” he admitted
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Now I was speechless. “Did he say that?”
Karthik held my hands and sat me down on the sofa. He sat right next to me and stared me straight in the eye. “I love you, Chandrika,” he said. I suddenly became the woman I always wanted to be for him.
“I love…” and before I could complete the statement, Karthik lovingly held my face and locked his lips with mine. My first kiss! I still go weak in my knees when I think about it.
He stopped, got up and took me to the bedroom. “God! is it happening, and is today the day when it’s going to happen?” I thought
He put me down on the bed and lay on top of me. As our lips locked again, he pinned me down, holding both my hands with his own behind my head, rendering me completely immobile. He then masterfully used his lips to part mine and slowly started to feel the inners of my mouth with his tongue.
And before I knew it, his tongue was exploring and snuggling into every corner of my mouth. A battle raged in our mouth between his tongue and mine. He was winning it, hands down. As I pushed my tongue into his mouth, he sucked on it like a candy bar.
This battle of the lips and the tongue would not end for some time. Once he let go of my hands, I pulled his face closer to mine for a deeper and tighter mouth lock with one hand. I squeezed his butt and pushed his pelvis down on my organ of pleasure with the other.
Karthik and I kept telling each other, “I love you,” as we spent close to 2 hours on the bed kissing each other. We exchanged positions many times, and all that rolling only meant that my kashta and blouse were coming off my body.
And while our tongues battled it out, my mind and body were waiting for the ‘kill.’ Will he or won’t he? At 12:30 midnight, when both of us had enough, Karthik stopped and got up to leave. I desperately wanted him to stay and ravage my body. That was not to be.
As we lay on the bed, Karthik said, “Chandrika, you are my girl, and while I can’t promise you the future. I can promise you the present. You are my first love, and this I will cherish forever. However, I expect you to keep this relationship and act like normal adults in public.”
“I hope we can be a happy and loving couple within the four walls of our homes. Since you and I are a couple now, there is no place for Aashish here. It has to be Chandrika only. I hope you understand what I mean. Let’s take this one step at a time and not get carried away.”
Karthik’s statements conveyed many things. He wanted me to be Chandrika full time, at least when I was with him and there was no scope of going public with our relationship. I would forever remain his private affair only. But I was willing to accept this all since I loved him and wanted him.
For the first time, I was somebody’s girl. The excitement of what the future held for us was enough to keep us going. Karthik held my hand tight as we walked to the door to leave. I was desperately trying to hold on to the blouse from falling away and my kashta from dropping to the floor.
He quickly put on his shoes as I stood near him. As he stood up, he pulled me towards him to hug me. He placed his hands on my buttocks. I held his face in my hands. Karthik and I kissed one last time that night, and as we did, I could feel him massaging my butt cheeks lightly. I wished that kiss never ended.
As Karthik walked out and closed the door behind him, a sudden sense of loneliness crept in. What a day it turned out to be. I was now ‘officially’ someone’s girlfriend. It was going to be impossible to sleep that night. Even though my heart won that day, my body felt incomplete.
Maybe it was the anticipation that Karthik would make love to me, and that did not happen. I can still have Karthik make love to me, and all I needed was to get creative. I stripped myself completely naked and lay on the bed. As I turned on to my stomach, my organ of pleasure and joy touched the soft bed.
Karthik had charged me up so much that on the first stroke, I climaxed. I could feel my juices flowing. It felt like a dam had been breached. Instead of water, it was a billion jasmine flowers flowing out, filling the space with pleasure, a sensual overload.
That climax put me to sleep instantly, and I woke up the next morning feeling happy, just that I needed to clean up the mess I had created. I got to get back to life!
I hope you enjoyed reading this episode. I will continue this journey in the next episode. Until then, if you have any feedback, please feel free to post it to .